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Westminster digested: Cams and Ozzy get tough

Cams and Ozzy get tough with poor Hester and Fred the Shred

Cameron: OK, Ozzy, it’s about time we sorted out these bankers’ bonuses.

Osborne: Must we? How about we just say no one should get more than a mill?

Cameron: That sounds about right. It should stop the little people moaning. After all, It’s hardly worth getting out of bed for that amount.

RBS: One million? That’s a bloody insult. How are we going to look our mates in the eye?

Cameron: We all have to make sacrifices these days.

RBS: Oh, all right then. We’ll just give Stephen Hester £960K.

Everyone: Let’s get this straight. We own the bank, you’ve laid off hundreds of workers, the bank is still worth half what we paid for it and you need a million on top of your basic £1.2m salary or you’ll down tools?

Hester: It’s mine, all mine.

Milidee: At last an open goal that even I can’t miss!

Cameron: Obviously it’s with deep regret that we had to give Stephen his bung but it was out of our hands, guv.

Milidee: I shoot, I score …

Hester: Sod it, Cameron. I’ll bloody well let my kids starve, then, to save your skin. But you owe me.

Cameron: Don’t worry old bean. You’ll still make loads from the other incentive schemes in your contract. And if you play your cards right there will be a K for you as there’s one going spare.

Fred the Shred: You what?

Cameron: Nothing personal. We just need to throw the plebs some cake.

Fred the Shred: On what grounds are you taking my knighthood away?

Cameron: For bringing the honours system into disrepute.

Fred the Shred: Since when has it ever been in repute?

Cameron: Um …

Fred the Shred: Take it, then. I’ve still got a £700K pension so what do I care?

Every other banker: We bloody well care. If your K can go, so can ours!

Cameron: Excuse me, I’ve just got to go and do a U-turn in Brussels …

Every Tory: Now you really are having a laugh.

Clegg: I can’t believe it! Daddy is finally paying me some attention. I always knew he loved me really.

Milidee: I score again!

Everyone: Technically, that was an own goal.

Milidee: Who cares? I need every point I can get. © 2012 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds